The Crisis Mindset

On Thurs, I had just finished getting ready to go out when it happened. Just as I was pulling The Cute out of the bath, I heard a pop and suddenly there was an excruciating pain in my tailbone. Six hours, a shot of dilaudid, and a few X-rays later, I was home and wondering WTF. 

It's been a very long weekend. My husband, though he means well, usually disappears when I'm sick or hurt. I don't really understand it but that's just what happens. He takes The Cute out to a million different places and I spent the day watching tv or playing games on my iPad. But it always needs up with me thinking too much. And that is a bad thing when we are in a place this. We have a thousand decisions needing to be made with no resolution in sight. Questions that have no answers. Where are we going? Where can we live? How can we afford a home? What will I be able to do with my condition? What are we going to do about preschool for The Cute? How can we help my mother (who is slowly deteriorating and will eventually be unable to live on her own) when we can't help ourselves? How is my doctor appointment on Tuesday going to go? Should I even hope that its going to be helpful or should I just expect the same old rejection. 

I am just filled with anxiety and it doesn't help that the accident on Thurs started a flare. I am absolutely exhausted, the pain levels are high, stomach issues abound, it feels like the tropics despite air conditioning, my tongue is full of sores, a dull headache accompanies the fierce eye pain and blurry vision, and I am nauseous. And on top of it all...I have a toddler who has been spoiled all weekend with attention and now doesn't know how to play on his own. I can barely hold my eyes open. 

It didn't help that last night my husband and I got in a disagreement. Because I was left to think so long alone, I suddenly felt lonely, upset, and needing answers about our future. I was angry at his distance. I am frustrated by our position in his family's guest house, and the procrastination we both have been promoting concerning our future. Truth be told, it was a bad idea to talk just then as I was emotionally charged and nothing was really going to fix it. But I just couldn't help myself. I wanted answers. I want to know where we are going. I feel like such a failure. And at times like that, I always seem to try to fix him or us...or someone else. I feel helpless to fix myself, to end the ever present self loathing, and so I want someone to join me. And it ended with him not even wanting to snuggle. Ouch.

When I feel like this, so very tired and so done, everything seems wrong. In fact, I can barely stand to hear myself. I hate the my words, my whining. I'm tired of me. Stop the merry go round, I want off. 

I used to be so hopeful. So fun. I am an artist and a gypsy(not really but I love roaming free). I used to drop everything at a moments notice and run to New York on whim at midnight for a slice of cheesecake. I used to dance the night away at fun, crazy clubs. Wear unusual and crazy clothes. Ponder the workings of the universe. I used to paint all night and sleep away the mornings. I used to meet new people without even trying and they would whisk me away on adventures. Now I'm just a mom. Just a patient. Just an unreliable friend. Just a boring ball and chain. I am a shadow of who I was. When I look in the mirror, I just see a face. No heart. No spirit. A face. No wonder my husband has no interest in me anymore. I'm fading. 

Well, what to do now? How do I fix this? Maybe I don't. Maybe this is what life is like after. After the wedding. After the kid. After the illness. Life after me.
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