Changing up

The trend of lots of time to think continues. I've been spilling over with ideas, regrets, and frustrations. I feel both empowered and completely overwhelmed with all the work that lays before me. After this horrible weekend...this horrible period in my life, I feel the need to make some serious changes. To take charge of the little that I can. To focus on me instead of all the things I can't seem to change. 

Things like the way my husband talks to me. I can't stand the way he sees me lately. A burden. A hardship. An obstacle. I hate all his selfish ways and his constant fight to keep his "I" in what should be“we”. But thinking about it...I think what I hate most is that I can't be enough like that. I am afraid to be selfish. Afraid to demand what I need. Afraid I'll lose him and my family. And instead of working on that fear, instead of working on me and and my issues, instead of empowering me, I fight to change him. 

Things like my illness. I hate the unpredictability. The constant struggle to do the basics. The unknown of my career. The guilt I shoulder for my child and husband as I alter our days and our lives week after week. Instead of focusing on my strengths. My heart. Instead of taking the baby steps toward endurance and predictability. 

I am so impatient and hurting myself because of it.
I have too high of standards for myself and I'm hurting myself because if it.
I make it impossible to succeed and I suck at failing. And I'm hurting myself because of it. 

Failure. That's what I need to focus in. I need to fail and “like” it. Learn from it and love it. Know it's a process and that failure is a key part of it....not something to run past, get over, or avoid. Embrace it fully and embrace myself with it.

I figured out four things to focus on as a start.

My role as a mother.
My path to writing/illustrating childrens' books.
My health (my diet, exercise, and the way I take care of my illness)
My personal organization (as my brain has taken a holiday)
My blogs

Five things that I can control and nurture. I need to focus on those. And only those. No more arguments. No more trying to change anyone else for awhile. If my husband doesn't want to snuggle, then it's his thing...I won't let it crush me. If he treats me like a burden, that's his thing...I won't let my heart break. If my mother criticizes me or my son, it's her thing...I won't let her destroy my confidence. I'm done letting others rule my heart, my head....my choices. At least till I can like myself enough not to be destroyed. At least till I can love myself enough to know what I'm worth again.
It's going to be difficult and I'm guaranteed to fail over and over again. But I will keep trying everyday till I can see a difference. That I can promise myself. 

 

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