It’s been a day. I finally got out of the house for some pampering but in my state of mind…it felt more like a chore than a pedicure/manicure. I left still trying to find peaceful thoughts. My mind feels sticky and thick…clinging like molasses to the mundane looping thoughts in my head instead of the beauty around me. The moment I have I noticed the landscape or a cute thing my son has said or done, I am suddenly sucked back into my concerns. It’s agonizingly draining.
I really do have a sense of humor, sense of wonder….sense of anything past this constant looping. But I just can’t seem to shake the grey. It will pass eventually, like it always does. But the panic I feel at missing out on the good ironically keeps me in the black as well. Sigh. I am my own worst enemy.
I am being productive at the very least. Taking this temporary fog and putting it to good use. The “to do” list is easy…narrow and focused. And the steady ticking off of each mundane task gives me a tiny moment of pride. I am clinging to that. I can do that.
Hopefully all those infinitesimal moments will add up to the real thing and knock my funk to the curb. Hopefully I won’t spend next week missing my dad…..feeling lonely and estranged from my friends…irritated at all that I usually love in my son. Hopefully next week I won’t obsess on my future and illness.
I am hopeful that by next week I will feel like I am breathing. Not gasping.