Yep..fuck.

cholesterol granuloma(not mine)
cholesterol granuloma(not mine)

“The neurosurgeon will let you know if he or she believes that the lesion is a cholesterol granuloma (it may not be, the radiologist also said it could be another type of benign growth called a mucocele).”
-quoted from the email I received from my dr today. 

So I was right about there being something but it isn’t cancer. For that I am very grateful. But like the Lupus diagnosis…the real answer is gray. I have a lesion in my brain. And I think it is somewhat large with the rushed time scale of everything. And it probably needs to come out. I am absolutely terrified.

However, my husband did the dirty deed of looking up the details surrounding my latest health issue…and it’s better than what I first thought. Both are benign cysts. And in the info my husband found…it can sometimes be removed through the nose instead of the full open the brain type operation that leaves me feeling beyond petrified. So it’s much better than I imagined. And yet, I find little comfort in it. SOMETHING IS IN MY BRAIN, PEOPLE!!! And if left to grow…it can kill my hearing in that ear along with a bunch of important nerves.  I can’t deal with this. I won’t look things up till tomorrow.

This year is…fuck it….this past four years has been something out of a movie. Stress upon stress upon stress. And as I have nothing left to say on the brain lesion that is making me shake…well, I think I will list off all the crap for posterity.

So the past four years have included but are not limited to the following(some may be out of order due to my fuzzy state of mind at the moment):

1)During my pregnancy, my pain skyrocketed. My hips would lock, I developed carpal tunnel, and I was sick like a dog through most of it.

2)Same Pregnancy, I had to finally close the chapter on my father who is from here on known as The PsychoDad…I finally told him to fuck off  after he pulled a couple of mental fucks too many (The abusive asshole is a blog post unto himself).

3)The Cute was born and was immediately and horrifically colicky for 4 straight months. He also couldn’t get the hang of breastfeeding. I ended up pumping for six months instead.

4)I didn’t sleep for more than 2 hour stretches for 2 years(no exaggeration…between pregnancy and colick and my illness.

5) My pain quadruples. I go through months of horrible drs that do very questionable things that have now given me a serious phobia of all things medical related to me.

6)My husband and I start to fight under the stress.

7)My mother goes through a series of hospitalizations and events which diagnose her with an inoperable  cyst in her kidney that makes regular blood transfusions necessary.  She tends to use her illness to create worry in me than berates me(i.e.tells me to go fuck myself and other lovely sentiments) when I worry. She’s a peach.  But I love her anyway..cause…Mom.

8)The apartment next to us burns down in flames while I watch to make sure it doesn’t spread to ours. Later I find out that I watched as an entire family of four children and one adult die…the wife/mom is the only survivor. Being a new mom at the time…well it stills haunts me.

9)My beloved cat dies…she was seriously my child. I still mourn.

10)We start to have financial difficulties due to copays and not enough work coming in.

11)We move back to our families and move into my in-laws guest house.

12)Said in-laws hate me and take every opportunity to make me feel unwelcome (Although I do appreciate the help so I put up with it with a smile and usually a cupcake). I shouldn’t worry though, the MIL hates pretty much everyone.

13)My mother almost dies from a combination of blood loss and a severe infection.

14) At the same time as my mother is fighting for her life, my gallbladder decides to tank and I have to have emergency surgery to remove it. Have a horrendous hospital stay confirming my fear of doctors.

15)I have a nervous breakdown and almost lose my family.

16)My inlaws do something horrendous on Easter…so much that I actually left with The Cute….That shall not be named.

17)My husband and I almost divorce in the aftermath. Luckily we pulled through.

18)Diagnosed with Lupus.

19)Diagnosed with a Brain Lesion.

I think if I hit 20…I’ll need to check myself in.

And that my friends was only the big highlights.  Believe me, I know it could be worse. We could have been that family. I could have a malignancy. But it’s just the sheer number of stressful events that is just beating away at me. And far from writing it down to dwell, I keep this list to remind me that it’s normal that I’m taking this so hard. That I’m doing ok in light of the circumstances. But damn, I need a break…cause I’m scared out of my wits and I’m dead tired.

 

 

 

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