It was a relatively boring weekend here at the ol’ homestead. Not that I’m complaining. We haven’t done boring around here in a long time. I wasn’t really sick(not that I was really well, either). There were no obligations. No serious drama. The only serious thing was a trip to AAA to end my mother’s insurance and put her car on our policy. This is something we should have done a month ago…but grief doesn’t like to help you be productive…in fact, it usually shuts down that part of your brain.
I won’t say that it was easy canceling my mother’s insurance. It was still heavy. But it wasn’t awful either and though I was tired, I was glad it was finally over with. But I did have a bit of a meltdown when I was alone after….I had intended to write since the hubby and the cute were out doing stuff, but I didn’t get to it. Instead, I had a conversation with my mother. A heated one, as most of them have turned out to be. I mourned… she didn’t say much. It was the usual.
But besides that? Nothing. I played games. I didn’t write. I don’t feel bad about that. I just let it be. And now, as the cute plays his coveted iPad…I will try to get something done. But if not…ok. I really like this laid back method. For so long guilt and self shaming have been my constant companions. Sometimes, I am floored by their absence. You mean I can just play a video game and read without feeling bad? I can just take a weekend off without feeling like the worst mom in the world? It’s freeing on a level that defies words.
And I would usually be panicking by now…NO WORK IS FLOWING!? Have I lost it? Will I ever write or paint again? What is going to happen?! But it’s fine…I know I will write again…most likely as soon as I finish this blog post. And I will paint again because, hell, it’s fun.
My life is fun again!
Fun has been sorely missed around these here parts. It’s been a hot commodity. And now it’s coming in spades. I’m smiling more….crying less. I’m laughing. And my patience is increasing. Three months out and I’m already feeling more like myself. I hope that gives others hope if they are in the same place as me. Cause fun felt like a bad word in the beginning. It felt wrong to smile. I felt guilty for the fleeting moments of forgetfulness. Hell, I felt guilty for breathing. And now? I feel good. Not great. Not miraculous. Just good. But it’s slowing building up to real good. And even so, I’m still expecting some bad days again as well…that’s the winding road grief likes to take. Two steps forward. Three steps back. Four steps forward. One step back. But it’s going to be ok. And ok is totally worth waiting for.
My therapist and I finally got around to talking about grief this past week. We’ve touched on it before but to be honest, there was so much back story to get through…well, it just didn’t come up much. I was too overwhelmed by the onslaught of feelings still lingering from 20 years ago. I was lost in sea of unexpected emotions. I needed to sort those out first before I could actually deal with my mom’s death. And to be honest, I hadn’t really even felt her absence yet. It still just felt like an extended break. But now it’s getting real. She’s gone and I’m trying to move on. I’m sure it will take a few months or even a couple years to get back to perfect….actually to get to a place I’ve never been before. But like all the great struggles in my life…it’s a road worth taking. I will be better for it. So I’m going to keep talking about it. Keep facing it. And hopefully, the other side of grief will be life without any self imposed limits…any guilt. Hopefully.
So this all may not be worth a blog post…it’s just bits and pieces of the same…but I figure that’s a good thing right now. Boring is nice. Calm is good. Average is a step in the right direction.
Now on to working more on my novel…