I am frenetic.
A bundle of energy that never sleeps…never really rests.
Even in pain…even in sickness, I am constantly seeking, thinking, problem solving. It is both a gift and a curse. I often get to see the world in a unique way, layered in physics, microbiology, cosmology, sculpture, paint, music, philosophy, and words. And yet it never rests, never ends. I problem solve in my sleep. I break down from the sheer intensity, weight of it all. But fuck, I love it.
And lately, after all this new self acceptance….I seem to have shifted into an entirely new gear. I feel like I'm kind of almost manic. But it's a controlled mania. It's awesome. But exhausting.
My mother's death almost seems like a catalyst to it all. And I feel so guilty for being happy about it.
She used to say that I was exhausting. That my brain…my frenetic thoughts were too much.
That she wished that I wasn't this way. That it hurt her that I was so different. Not able to fit in.
She I was too intense, too emotional….too everything. Couldn't I just tone it down a bit?
and so without my choosing it…I think I did. Your mother's opinion can do that.
But now she's gone.
And I'm changed. I've let go and actually am curious to see what a truly unfettered me will do.
and I'm scared as well. I don't know me without chains.
Have you seen “Frozen?
There is a song that resonates with me…it describes perfectly the feeling that has pervaded the last few weeks of my life. It is the song that makes my heart leap with optimism. I'm free…now let's see what I can do!
Well said, Disney…well said.