Tag Archives: writing

Letting Go

I am frenetic.

A bundle of energy that never sleeps…never really rests.

Even in pain…even in sickness, I am constantly seeking, thinking, problem solving. It is both a gift and a curse. I often get to see the world in a unique way, layered in physics, microbiology, cosmology, sculpture, paint, music, philosophy, and words. And yet it never rests, never ends. I problem solve in my sleep. I break down from the sheer intensity, weight of it all. But fuck, I love it.

And lately, after all this new self acceptance….I seem to have shifted into an entirely new gear. I feel like I'm kind of almost manic. But it's a controlled mania. It's awesome. But exhausting.

My mother's death almost seems like a catalyst to it all. And I feel so guilty for being happy about it.

She used to say that I was exhausting. That my brain…my frenetic thoughts were too much.

That she wished that I wasn't this way. That it hurt her that I was so different. Not able to fit in.

She I was too intense, too emotional….too everything. Couldn't I just tone it down a bit?

and so without my choosing it…I think I did. Your mother's opinion can do that.

But now she's gone.

And I'm changed. I've let go and actually am curious to see what a truly unfettered me will do.

and I'm scared as well. I don't know me without chains.

Have you seen “Frozen?

There is a song that resonates with me…it describes perfectly the feeling that has pervaded the last few weeks of my life. It is the song that makes my heart leap with optimism. I'm free…now let's see what I can do!

 

Well said, Disney…well said.

Momentum

It's been a slow start to the year. I would have loved to be able to start the month off illness-free, stress-free, and fully-revved to start fresh and take the world by storm. But it was molasses slow…full of a bad flu, flare pain, and a sick kiddo that is reaching his teenage rebellion at age four. The me from a few years ago would be tempted to call it quits and write off 2014 already at this rate. But I won't.

Everyday all over Facebook, friends post massive, photo-laden chronicles of their new fitness boot camps, clutter-purged houses, and new found determination. They have taken-charge, reformed and made-over their lives virtually overnight. I should be jealous, beating myself up for all that I haven't done…haven't changed. But I'm not.

Instead, I am feeling the gentle pull of a slow building momentum…

For years now, I have been Sisyphus. The rock before me impossible and yet time and time again I rolled its massive, crushing weight uphill hoping that sheer will would finally allow me to push it over. That I might earn the right to my freedom. That somehow I would earn the right to love myself and finally allow myself to be happy. To love my life.

But the rock never went anywhere.

I never went anywhere.

I was a hamster in a wheel. Filling my time with impossible tasks that would give me the right I was born with.

The right to be. Just be.

I don't have to be a great artist, writer, daughter, mother, or wife to be worthy of life and my happiness. I don't have to be successful, rich, thin, sporty, organic…anything at all to be worthy of the simple right to own my space. I simply need to be. To breath my own air. Wake in my own space. And that is enough. Everything else is the kind of bullshit that holds me back from everything I already am. That I was born with.

I am everything I want to be already. Because I'm me.

And that knowing, coupled with my mother's death has finally let me fucking drop that goddamn rock! Hell, I've even gotten off the goddamn mountain!

And instead, I've decided to try a little downhill excursion instead…gently letting my own gravity, the pull of my own heart slowly build up speed so that I might let it take me where I was meant to go. No more giant tasks, impossible goals… Just the gentle rolling of my own momentum.

And I'm already gaining ground….in inches…and then a couple feet. And maybe by next year, I'll be somewhere new, who knows? But what I do know…I will be enjoying the journey a hell of a lot more. Cause who the fuck doesn't like rolling down hills?

So here's to me ditching the damn rock… I hope you do too…

And when you do, come join me…I'll be writing some awesome books, painting beautiful pictures, and playing with my beautiful family with a big ol' smile on face, laying in the soft,green grass of the biggest hill I can possibly find and rolling down till I'm so full of happy that I explode.

I wonder what that would look like posted on Facebook? 🙂

Resolved and Resolute

I was just looking at my New Year's resolutions and it dawned on me that it is a post, in and of, itself. That perhaps there is someone out there in my exact space that might benefit from my realizations. So I'm just going to put them out there as is…may they help you on your own journey…

2014 Resolutions

1) Read a lot of inspiring stuff(one book or article about art, loving yourself, being happy….a week)…a lot. Let it sink in and mold me.

2) Try to be happy 88 percent of of the time. I want to let myself enjoy my life. (my personal favorite!)

3) Write my children's book. (I realize not all of you are into that sort of thing…but hell, why not write one just for fun?)

4) Keep working on my novel. Break it down into smaller, manageable chunks and make it a real job. Start working myself up to an hour a day…then two… (yes, I'm working on two books….what of it? Did you think I'm just a really lazy blogger? Well, yeah…but that's besides the point!)

5) Try to be more aware of the passage of time. Check my calendar everyday. Assimilate the day and month and really try to be present.

6) Slowly work myself into a 30 minute a day exercise routine for the first six months…and then by June, work up to an hour a day.

7) Really spend quality time with The Cute. Work out a routine of homework. Coloring, activities, and play with him…and only think about him while I'm doing it.

8) Stop multitasking. I want to do one thing at a time and be extremely good at that one thing.

9) Blog. A lot. (shut up…I'm working on it. 😛 It's about building momentum…not being perfect from the start….It's a muscle that I need to build up)

10) Stop beating myself up. Love myself unconditionally. Everyday. Compliment myself everyday and breathe. I want to smile at myself when I wake up. I want to accept myself wholly and stop thinking of myself as broken.

11) Stop being consumed by fear and worry. I think this will happen when I start loving myself, stop multitasking, stop rushing, and judging myself. My life is just beginning. I am a child being born with an endless lifetime to try and enjoy it. I am a beautiful new being as innocent and perfect as my son. My life is one worth savoring. (why eleven? Why the fuck not? 🙂 )

So there you have it…eleven goals that I am reaching for. Do you know why I wanted to post these? Why I'm so proud of them? Because for the first time, I made ones that I really want to do. Really want to accomplish. Not stuff I want to do to earn my own love…my own validation. They are because I already do love myself…and validate myself. For the first time in my life, I know that I can do these…I have faith in myself. I don't know when the switch tripped, or how…, but it did. And I hope it does for you. 2014 may be another difficult year. I might get sick, I might trip and stumble…but I've already won! I'm looking forward to spending so much time with myself and my family, chasing my dreams and loving my life.